City council wants to know who pooped in their microwave

The Brighton and Hove City Council in the U.K. has some bad news for its Lean Cuisine-loving employees: You're not getting a new microwave. An unknown offender decided to poop inside the old one, which left the council no choice but to seal it with tape and, a week later (a WEEK later?!) remove it from the premises. "The microwave in the [break room] has unfortunately been used to heat excrement and cannot be made hygienic or safe to use," an interoffice memo said, adding, "Please do not use." (We're pretty sure that, in this case, "excrement" isn't a euphemism for "off-brand Hot Pocket.") See, Mystery Sh*tter? This is why you can't have nice things. [Source]