Irate son pens ultimatum to mom over 'hellish' alarm clock

In a hilariously demented letter to his mother about a "nefarious and damnable" alarm clock, a ticked-off son who's clearly out of patience expresses rage over the clock's "hellish cries" that continue to wake him. He writes ominously, "If this piece of s**t goes off one more time and you're not here I'm going to make it my bitch." He adds, "I will f**k this douche-incarnate sleep molester up so bad the recycling guys won't be able to turn it into packing peanuts." The clock-complaining son, though, does offer to purchase a replacement and relents at the end of the threatening missive by praising Mom for her fantastic banana bread. He also mercifully signs it, "Love, your oldest son."