Akron: Zippy the Kangaroo is great, but would be better if A) he were real and B) he wore pajamas to games.
Albany: Great Danes is a great nickname, but let's face it. They're going to be Toast in their first game against mighty Duke.
Arizona: Grumpy Cat would prove that frowning at bad plays can be as motivating as cheering at good ones.
Belmont: Feeling ashamed about its Rebels nickname, Belmont switched to the Bruins in the mid-1990s. They should keep the guilt-train rolling and embrace Confession Bear.
Boise State: Idaho is more about potatoes than horses. Then again maybe this potato that looks like a sloth isn't the best mascot option.
Bucknell: Bucknell is located just a couple hours from Scranton, Pa. Dwight Schrute from "The Office" should make an appearance at home games.
Butler: Butler Blue II is cute and all, but have you seen Trotter, who's a star on Instagram? She has a hat for every day of the year.
Cal: Oski the Bear does look a little retro in that cardigan. Why not go a little further and enlist the help of Hipster Bear?
Cincinnati: An actual cat that looks like a bear is way more interesting than some student in a Bearcat outfit.
Colorado: Set Ralphie the Buffalo free, and instead go with Ralphie from "A Christmas Story," wearing a pink bunny suit and holding a BB gun.
Colorado State: CAM the Ram is cute, but just think what Dodge would pay to have the Ram pickup truck be the official team mascot.
Creighton: Blue Jays are striking, but not as impressive as this bird with a Donald Trump 'do.
Davidson: The wildcat is so overdone, so we think Nic Cage as a cat would be much better. And he's probably available.
Duke: If they're looking for an obnoxious Blue Devil, Duke would do better to bring on Tobias Funke from "Arrested Development."
Florida: Mr. Stubbs, the alligator with the prosthetic tail, belongs in Gainesville.
Florida Gulf Coast: So many eagle mascots in college sports! Give Azul the Eagle the boot and sign up the Kakapo Parrot. He's like no other.
Georgetown: Another Bulldog mascot means another role that belongs to the versatile Trotter.
Gonzaga: Forget Spike. Trotter can handle this one, too. She is the master of disguise, after all.
Harvard: Imagine a pair of comically oversized Winklevoss heads at Harvard home games, inspiring players and fans to never give up.
Illinois: Chief Illiniwek has been surrounded by controversy for years, so much so that he no longer appears at games (officially). Illinois should be thinkin' Lincoln. Illinois' favorite son is tall, hip, and he's not offensive!
Indiana: Your mascot used to be a bulldog. Why don't you Hoosiers revive it with – yes, you guessed it – Trotter.
Iona: The Gaels are represented by Killian, presumably an Irish guy. Know who else is an Irish guy? Bono.
Iowa State: The Cyclones inexplicably use Cy the Cardinal as their mascot when they should use a PSY-clone.
James Madison: Your Duke Dog is regal, but not as cool as Samuel L. Jackson's dog.
Kansas: Hate to break it to you, guys, but the Jayhawk isn't even a real bird. Tony Hawk, however, is the real deal.
Kansas State: Willie the Wildcat is fine when the team is winning, but Henri the Existential Cat is better equipped to deal with losses.
La Salle: You can't tell us The Explorer doesn't look an awful lot like the Guy Fawkes mask in "V for Vendetta." Let's just make the swap official.
Long Island University-Brooklyn: Brooklyn is the home of the hipster, not the Blackbird. Go Hipsters!
Louisville: Louis C.K. would be amazing as the first comedian mascot, regaling the crowd with such classic lines as, "The meal is not over when I'm full. The meal is over when I hate myself."
Marquette: Why have just a Golden Eagle when you can inspire fear with the eagle who went viral for supposedly snatching up a toddler?
Memphis: A Bengal tiger named TOM wouldn't distract opponents nearly as much as this cute Internet star named Daisy.
Miami: Sebastian is an ibis, known for its bravery during hurricanes, but The Rock, who attended Miami, is more interesting and wouldn't even need a costume.
Michigan: Wolverines are endangered, so let's give them a rest. How about something in high supply, like bedbugs?
Michigan State: Let's swap Sparty for a peace-loving hippie. Because seriously, what's up with all the war-themed mascots? Let's try less aggression and more tie-dye, man.
Minnesota: Goldy Gopher should step aside for Gaming Gopher.
Ole Miss: Rebel, the Black Bear, isn't nearly as reflective as The Deck Bear.
Missouri: The scaredy-cat tiger cub isn't afraid to show his vulnerability, something that opponents would have to respect.
Montana: How do you top a Grizzly Bear? With President Lincoln brandishing a machine gun and the Emancipation Proclamation.
North Carolina State: The no-nonsense, advice-giving mascot of the Courage Wolf meme makes even the fearsome Strutting Wolf mascot look like a wimp.
New Mexico: Let's keep Lobo Louie, but hire "The Grey" star Liam Neeson to don the outfit.
New Mexico State: Politically correct university administrators forced “Pistol Pete” to swap his gun for a lasso, but ropes can injure people, too! NMSU needs a disarmed mascot: The Naked Cowboy.
North Carolina: Rameses the Big Horn Ram is certainly menacing, but this guy creeped out just about everybody in "Pan's Labyrinth."
North Carolina A&T: The Aggies' mascot is a bulldog, which means another job for Trotter.
Northwestern State: If you think the Demon is scary, may we present a hamburger demon baby with a bacon diaper?
Notre Dame: "Leprechaun" was a horrible movie, but this makeup job is just what the Fighting Irish's mascot needs.
Ohio State: A buckeye nut that falls from a tree, or Uncle Buck? The answer is clear.
Oklahoma: In place of Boomer and Sooner the famous horses, why not this hybrid dog/horse that is simultaneously creepy and funny?
Oklahoma State: Pistol Pete is a bit of a ruffian, but you know what other cowboy is unanimously loved by everybody ever? Woody.
Oregon: The Giant Rubber Duckie would give Oregon more promotional potential than a Donald Duck.
Pacific: Tigers aren't native to Stockton, Calif., but the Fantastic Four were "born" there. Hello, Invisible Girl.
Pittsburgh: ROC the panther is cool, but you know who's cooler (and possibly scarier)? Colonel Meow.
San Diego State: Montezuma the Aztec Warrior doesn't have the authenticity of this shocked-looking Aztec relic.
Saint Louis: The Billiken was inspired by a charm doll popular in the 1900s. It's time for an update on that theme.
St. Mary's: Instead of the boring old knight (or their other mascot, the smiling Gael) why not have the Lord of Winterfell himself, Ned Stark?
South Dakota State: Honestly, Jack Rabbit is in this awkward mascot space between cute and intimidating. You've got to go one way or the other. We suggest cute.
Southern: Jaguars are cool. Jaglion, a rare hybrid animal = cool x 100.
Syracuse: Otto the Orange, step aside for Tan Mom.
Temple: Hooter the Owl is pretty cool. But each February he should be replaced with "Superb Owl," star of a meme from Super Bowl 2013.
UCLA: Joe Bruin could be replaced by the epically awesome Bear Grylls, who knows a thing or two about "survive and advance."
UNLV: If your mascot, Hey Reb, is basically just a mustache, why not upgrade to one of the greatest mustaches of all? Hey Salvador Dali.
Valparaiso: The Crusades marked a grim, murderous period in world history. Time to start anew with Shishi-maru, the adorable Instagram star.
Virginia Commonwealth: Replace Rodney the Ram with this tough old sheep who drilled this fisherman, please.
Villanova: Nine NCAA schools have the Wildcat as their mascot, including Villanova. None have a Slam Dunk Sloth. It's time.
Western Kentucky: Big Red is just a big blob. We nominate Taylor Swift's iconic red lips instead. There's already an album named after them, so why not?
Wichita State: We don't want to be rude, but your mascot is a wheat stalk. But the good news is it kind of looks like Bart Simpson.
Wisconsin: Wisconsin should get more specific with its mascot and go with the carefree honey badger.