Guy takes 6-mile drunken ride on Wal-Mart scooter at 6 mph, cops say

Stop the presses! And it's all because an allegedly intoxicated Marcus Degraphenreed went into a Wal-Mart, stole a scooter and joy-rode his buzzed butt 6 miles away from the Indianapolis-area store, according to police. We’d expect this sort of reckless hedonism from the people who shop at K-Mart, but Wal-Mart? We consider Wal-mart basically a brain trust that also offers snuggies. Just kidding! All big-box stores are as terrifying and morals-free as an ancient Roman circus. Fun fact: These scooters go at a top speed of six miles an hour, which means ol’ Marcus was booze-cruising along for a full hour before anyone caught up to him. On the other hand, he impressively managed not to roll off the seat or into traffic. [Source]

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